A quick and dirty throw-together; it isn’t pretty, but damn does it taste good.

1/3 pound fresh Ahi tuna, 1/2 inch cubed
1 green mango, 1/2 inch cubed
1 small shallot, minced
1 clove garlic, minced
1/2 inch piece of ginger, minced
juice of 1 lemon
1 tablespoon ponzu sauce
1/2 teaspoon Sriracha

Combine all ingredients in a small, covered container and refrigerate 1 hour.

Since I can’t grasp the concept of moderation, I turned 4.5 pounds of Kumquats into 2 gallons of marmalade this weekend.

Glad I mentioned this plan a couple weeks ago, because Sunday, the SF Chronicle ran an article called Spirits: Bartenders find new ways to sweeten the deal on the nontraditional sweeteners local bartenders are concocting, and even mentioned the blood orange marmalade used at Midi, which inspired this project.

[Feel free to skip down to the recipe if you don’t care about the process]  The first batch was 2 pounds of fruit (arduously seeded by hand), 8 cups of water and 8 cups of sugar.  Chopping the fruit in my Cuisinart, I discovering that the blades did little damage to the seeds I missed, which mostly floated to the surface while soaking, so the second batch was tossed into the food processor whole and seeds were skimmed off the next day.  It cut prep time by more than half.

The chopped fruit is soaked in water overnight to soften the skins and to release the natural gelling agents (pectin) from the seeds, which makes your marmalade set up, or else you would be left with fruity simple syrup.

I mixed Thai basil into one batch and tarragon into the other.  Both added a delightful kick and complexity to the marmalade, but didn’t overpower or remove any toast-topper potential.

Kumquat Marmalade Recipe:

• 2.5 pounds kumquats, washed and stemmed
• 1/2 gallon water (8 cups)
• 4 pounds sugar (about 9 cups)
• Optional fresh Thai basil or fresh tarragon, finely chopped

1. Pulse kumquats in food processor until finely chopped
2. Soak fruit in water for 24 hours, then skim and discard seeds
3. In a large saucepan, bring to a boil, reduce heat and simmer uncovered for 1 hour
4. Stir in sugar gradually and simmer for 20-30 minutes, stirring frequently and skimming off foam and errant seeds
5. Add optional herbs to taste to the hot marmalade
6. Follow proper canning procedure if you intend to save for more than a couple weeks

Old calypso music was blaring as I revved up the whisk drill to whip my first batch of mayo.

1 large, fresh egg yolk
½ teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon cider vinegar
1 teaspoon lemon juice
½ teaspoon dijon mustard (optional)
¾ cup vegetable oil

• Whisk together all ingredients, except oil, until combined.
• Continue to whisk, while ever-so-slowly adding oil.
• Cover and refrigerate until ready to serve.

Note: Baconnaise, while brilliant in concept, is a vegetarian product, which makes it dumb. To make your own Baconaise, follow the recipe above, replacing two tablespoons of oil with bacon drippings (not just the rendered grease, because most of the flavor is in the brown flecks on the bottom of the pan).

I’ve decided to make my own condiments, so when civilization collapses and we return to an agrarian society, I will still be able to have ketchup on potatoes, mustard on burgers and mayo in chicken salad.  I suppose I should learn to farm first, but I’ll worry about that later.

In considering condiments, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s all about vinegar.  If you consider the standard BBQ toppings, the common ingredient is vinegar.  It’s the acid that gives everything a tangy kick and also creates an environment that is hostile to bacteria, keeping food from spoiling too quickly.

Below are links to basic recipes for all the classics.  I’ll try them out and post my own variations soon.

Ketchup: tomato, onion, olive oil, brown sugar, vinegar and salt

Mustard: mustard seed and/or powder, salt, sugar, vinegar

Relish: pickled fruits or vegetables (pickled in vinegar, of course)

Mayo: egg yolk, mustard, oil, vinegar, lemon juice, pepper

Hot Sauce: peppers, vinegar and salt

BBQ Sauce: tomato, vinegar, oil, brown sugar, seasoning, mustard and cayenne

Steak Sauce: ketchup, onion, garlic, water, Worcestershire sauce, lemon juice, vinegar, soy sauce, brown sugar, mustard

I can’t take any credit for this recipe, since I adapted it entirely from WikiHow.  The one thing I can add, is to recommend slicing the oranges from top to bottom, rather than around the equator, since they tend to leak through the ends. Everyone at the party loved these and devoured them within minutes.

• 6 oranges
• 2 cups boiling water
• 6 oz. package of orange Jello
• 3/4 cup cold water
• 1 1/2 cups chilled vodka

1. Slice oranges in half and slide a spoon between skin and fruit to remove cleanly*.
2. Bring water to a boil, and remove from heat.
3. Stir Jello into hot water until dissolved, then stir in cold water and vodka.
4. Set orange peel halves into shallow cups or glasses on a tray so that the edges are
level and fill with jello liquid to the rim.
5. Let cool overnight in the refrigerator and slice each half into thirds with two
vertical cuts.
*Reserve the orange fruit to juice for mimosas in the morning. If you have executed the
rest of this recipe properly, you will need them.