I am writing to inform you that you won the election, so please cease your fund-raising efforts. I’m perplexed as to why your staff is still emailing me on a daily basis to request donations in exchange for swag, particularly since I already contributed and never received the refrigerator magnet I was promised.
I’ve worked hard to set aside my fear that your campaign promises could go the way of my magnet, lost in transit, or just an empty offer with no intention of fulfillment. I will persevere in my hope for change and assume that your Ginsu Knife of leadership has not just sliced through its last tin can.
The more nagging concern is wondering if this funding strategy will extend through the next 4 or 8 years of the Obama Administration. Can I expect an email in February, urgently requesting my financial support for the universal healthcare plan? Will Treasury Secretary David Plouffe write me a heartfelt hypertext plea for a contribution to make the dream of affordable medical care for all a reality? Will giving at least $200 entitle me to a toaster that brands my bread with a golden-brown likeness of the president?
I’m picturing a moment back in early August 2008, when candidate Barack Obama sat head in hand over a stack of fiscal projections, agonizing over how to fund the programs he had promised while still giving tax relief to the middle class in the face of a looming economic crisis, when a staffer burst into the room to announce that the sticker and t-shirt promotions had left the campaign so flush with cash that rather than just airing commercials, they could buy entire hours of prime-time.
Jump forward to August 2009: It’s the 19th hour of the 4th Presidential Telethon. President Obama’s blue silk tie has gone from a perfect Windsor at noon to a crooked knot around dinner, and then loosened during the 11:30 commercial break. The top button of his shirt was opened shortly after midnight, and the second button soon thereafter.
Contributions had spiked during the star-studded sing-along of America the Beautiful, Tina Fey’s still-not-getting-old Sarah Palin routine and the water pistol duel between Kieth Olbermann and Jon Stewart, on which their respective cable networks wagered a multi-million dollar donation. It’s getting close to dawn now, contributions have slowed to a trickle and the president’s fatigue is becoming harder to conceal. He pulls off his tie in a gesture of common-man connection and steps up to the giant thermometer that reads $75 million shy of its target apex.
“My fellow Americans, if we are going to ensure strong public schools and an affordable college education for all of our children, we’re going to need to dig deep and pony up some cash. The school year is about to start and this mandate needs to be funded. For the sake of our children, if you donate at least $100 in the next hour, I’m going to send you this Obama/Biden lunchbox and one lucky contributor will be selected at random to spend a night in the Lincoln Bedroom. If you already gave, don’t get jealous, just pull out your wallet and make another donation. Operators are standing by.â€
